“Our War Cry” – Declaring War on Depression

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my depression blog, more so than my art one even. However, I plan on trying to post more often to both in the future. I may not be super regular, but I do plan on posting more often in general! Until next time, here’s something I wrote this morning in a depressed mood to both encourage me, and encourage others:

-Our War Cry-

I know you are there.
I feel those tendrils around my heart,
Cold and hate-filled tendrils around my soul,
I know what you are trying to do.
I know the thoughts and ideas in your twisted self.
You will NOT prevail. You will NOT kill me this day.
You will not make me succumb ever.
This is my war declaration against you, Depression.
Against your allies of Anxiety, Panic, Fear, and Dread.
You all swarm around in my head, and around my heart and soul.
You may have my mind right now. You might have my body in your grasp.
But you will NEVER OWN who I am inside. never possess or destroy me!
My HEART and my SOUL, the TRUE ESSENCE of who I am…
THOSE BELONG TO ME! They are UNATTAINABLE TO YOU!
So on this day, let there be a battle like never before,
Raging on the field of my heart and mindscape.
You bluff and boast like you have the upper hand.
Perhaps for the moment, but I see behind that facade.
You are absolutely TERRIFIED! You know I will not give up,
Not when I need to help myself,
Not when I need to help others I love and care for,
Not when I KNOW I have purpose and meaning, both for myself and others!
You are shaking behind that shadowy armor of yours,
Your tendrils quake in FEAR attempting to hold the weapons you would do harm with.
I alone have you outclased in this, you disease of a monster.
Just me. But then, there are other factors that have completely sealed your fate.
Who I am. Who I know. The people that stand with me against you, due to your own sins.
My faith, my God, my friends, my family, my loved ones… We’re ALL coming for you.
Like a merciless, blood-thirsty horde, with YOUR blood being on the menu.
A tidal wave of love, couraage, braverly, resilience, strength, friendship…
So many more wonderful things that would take eons to describe.
All you have is fear, anxiety, and yourself. You are heavily outnumbered.
Depression, you will not win. You have NO chance, no refuge.
Abandon all hope, those who try to tear us down.
Abandon all of YOUR hope, Depression.
This is our territory, and you stepped into it like a fool.
You started this war, “old friend”.
We’re finishing it.

“Progress, Not Perfection”, Breathing, and Being Kind to Myself…

I haven’t written much for a while now in this blog. It’s for a number of reasons I suppose, and I still feel bad about it even though I guess I shouldn’t. I’ve never set a restrictive deadline for me to post into this blog, and I never expect the same of anyone else, so why should I do the same for myself? It’s something I always do though, I expect harsher of myself than others, less kindness to myself than I do to other people. I guess it’s not right, nor fair to me when I can be kind and gentler to people I know and care about, yet not so much to my own being. But as something my counselor and I reflect on at times in our sessions, it’s about “Progress, not perfection.” Putting in an effort to try to do better the next time, instead of reaching out for that goal of instant perfection and bashing yourself when you don’t reach it. That’s a very lofty goal, and you can only get better by doing a bit at a time. Continue reading

Worries, Concerns, and Such…

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted in either of my blogs, but I’m trying not to be a harsh person to myself about that. I want to write something sometimes, but I haven’t been able to think of what to speak or say when I do get a moment, or there have been a few times I’ve been so frazzled and stressed out that I guess I couldn’t communicate properly. At least, the way I would have liked. However, as of this moment, I’m going to make an attempt at least. This is all mostly coming from off the top of my head, so forgive me if I mispeak or say something somewhat odd.

I worry, a lot. It’s something I’ve *always* done, as far back as I can remember. Perhaps to an unhealthy degree. Perhaps it’s what has literally caused me to get grey hairs since I was an early teenager or so, though if there’s truth in that “stress causes greying hair” thing, I can not say. I have noticed more greying hair lately in at least my facial hair, but… I figure, it is what it is. Anyway, what sort of things do I worry about? Quite a few things… Continue reading

A Step At a Time… (Perhaps this is more of a journal type post…)

I’m trying to think, perhaps too much, of how I want to write and word this blog post. My mind searching for words, phrases, sentences, and paragraphs to fill the blank page with to express myself in a way that I feel is “correct”. Perhaps the more important thing is that I express myself at all, instead of over-worrying about the proper way to do it so much.

Lately, it feels like I haven’t been able to accomplish much in a productive sense. Continue reading

About Depressive Episodes, My Faith, and So On… (Mayhap, a little rambling)

Today’s post is a little different today. I’ve never posted a lot before about what I believe in, or what my faith is, although I haven’t posted a lot yet in this blog. However, if I don’t take this opportunity to do so soon, I feel I would be doing something very amiss, especially after what has happened this past weekend.

I’m not one to lie. I hate lying, and being coerced to lie or cover up anything makes me feel so wrong and disturbed. So what I’m going to say soon is not fabricated in anyway, despite how…. “unusual” it seems. I say this for a reason that’ll come up in the next couple of paragraphs. I feel the need to explain one thing first before that. Continue reading

Apathy…Eh. Not sure I wanna write a title. (That’s a joke.)

Apathy is a rather frustrating and aggravating aspect of being depressed I think. It’s weird to explain sometimes I feel, because I think sometimes people will say “Oh, you’re just bored?” when it feels like it’s more than just a simple type of boredom. It’s something that tends to gnaw away at your insides, not only making you just bored, but with no way to alleviate it. Anything that you instinctively know you would have an interest in doing has absolutely zero appeal suddenly, as interesting as any random piece of dirt or pebble on the ground. Just a passing object that you observe for a moment and file away for later.

With boredom, you know you can get rid of it, simply by playing a game, reading a book, listening to music, or watching some sort of show. Apathy is more of a state of not caring. And with it, at least with me, it causes the anxiety to build up more and more. Anxiety, irritation, frustration on not being able to clear out the “mental splinter” that digs into your head.

So, how do we deal with apathy? Continue reading

#2, Varied Topics: Delaying Things, My Blogging, Etc…

I woke up early this morning to take care of a few things, only waking up with the help of God and coffee. 😛 Such strong coffee. There’s a few topics I would like to write about today before I attempt to handle anything else for the rest of this morning, so let’s all hope I’m coherent enough.

For a number of us that have dealt with being depressed, or feeling down for rather lengthy periods of time, we all know how it affects us in our own ways. I think one of those ways is how it affects our routines, or how we supposedly handle tasks. Myself, I see it in how I tend to put off certain chores, or tasks that I know I’m supposed to be doing, but apparently have lost the will and energy to do so, hoping that if I just get “my mind in order”, and “recover some energy”, I’ll be more apt to be able to finish it up in a flurry of activity and joyful exuberence in no time. Continue reading

First Post Greetings…

I guess I want to start off by saying, “hello and welcome”. I’ve been thinking about making this blog off and on for a little while now, and I finally decided to start working on it a few days ago during a rather strong period of depression and anxiety. A sort of, “turn lemons into lemonade” sort of deal, or “when life gives you lemons, throw the lemons back in its face with all your might” if you will.

I also want to say that I will try my best to make this blog a sort of safe, gentle place (maybe a bit goofy as well). I do realize the Internet is not always the most kindest of places (and that this also is not always true, there are exceptions), but I would like my blog to be a sort of safe for work, calm, kind of place to relax for people to come to. Continue reading